OK, so some friends and i have decided to open a cozy little
music venue in darwin city. you know, stylish, lamps, couches,
good music, that kind of vibe. and not only that, we decided
to do it legit. (i think that was our MC hammer influence) i bet
your are wondering where this is going….well, as part of
going legit, i have had to undergo training (a certificate II in
security operations to be exact) to become a fully fledged
bouncer!
yeah, i know, if you have any idea of the size of my biceps you
will know this isnt a planned career move… well, we did the
sums and there was no way we could pay a REAL bouncer, so
juzzy and i signed up. well, this is where the fun starts. so, we
rock up to the training course with lots of other prospective
headkickers and find the dude teaching it has never taught
this course before, infact hes not even a teacher. so, im
thinking just go with it, its only 4 days. then i decided to pay
attention to the actual words being said. get ready for it… we
got some basic yob slang like ‘as bout as usefull as tits on a
bull and stuff like that. then it progerssed to the teacher using
the term clusterfuck(!) in class to explain something i didnt
really want to grasp. then the gold really startred flowing, wait
for this one. we learnt about the 4 ashes.
what are the 4 ashes you ask?
well, ill fill you in.
the 4 ashes are the things that can get a bouncer into trouble.
and they are:
1. CASH - dont steal money, or accept any dodgy cash ok.
2. STASH - dont confiscate anyones stash or you could get
done for posession.
3. BASH - dont kick head to hard or you might get in trouble/
kill someone.
4. and this is the best one….. GASH!!!! you know a nice pice of
gash might sneak up and distract you, and then you might get
whatever you are protecting stolen. i know i hadnt really
thought or calling girls GASH, but then im not the most
imaginitive guy around.
so then to top it all off, the topic gets onto dead bodies. what
if you are a security guard partolling around somewhere and
you come across a dead body? would you know what to do?
then the conversation got onto who had actually seen a dead
body. (TIP: if you cant teach, get people to just tell stories
instead) so one guy said he had seen a dead body get pulled
out of a river once. so then, our teacher provided the
following gem of wisdom, which i think may well stick with me
for the rest of my life:
if you are going to kill someone and throw them in a river,
make sure you pierce their abdomen so they dont float back to
the top.
yeah, he said it. and he was the teacher.
of course the only thing that could top that was the
groupwork, where we had to work out how we would move a
big stash of diamond samples from the airport to some where
else. the guy we were with had this to offer: (its not word for
word, but its pretty close)
we should take the diamonds and head dtright to hawaii, no ,
get our own island and get someone to fly in booze and food
and girls. and we could root them to death and then get new
ones sent with the next batch of beer.
yeah, it was said.
so yeah, ive been stepping out of my comfort zone lately and
dealing with fuckwits. what better to get me into the christmas
fibe? ill leave you with those inspiring thoughts. have a fine
christmas. try to give more than you get of course!
love
kris
